Forgive Me Read online

  Once we're done eating, Justin takes a shower and passes out. It's been a long couple days for him. I sit in the living room with my brother and Faith, watching some television, something I don't get to do too often. My schedule is usually pretty hectic and if I get time to relax, it's with a book and glass of wine.

  "Any boyfriends?" Faith asks with googly eyes.

  I laugh. "No, definitely not. I don't have time for that."

  She pouts out her lip. "That is no fun! You need a little action once in a while."

  Once again she makes me laugh, even more so when Clay slaps her with a throw pillow.

  "That is my little sister you know. I don't need to hear that kind of talk."

  She ignores him and asks if I'd like to have something to drink. I ask for wine and she rolls her eyes. When she walks back in it's with a beer. "Girl, you're back in Texas. I don't got none of that wine, but I got plenty of ice cold beer. Here." I take it from her, not wanting to argue. I've never even had a taste of beer before, not that I'd admit that right.

  I take a few sips and do my best not to grimace. I don't do very good job though, as Clay bursts into laughter. "Not too fond of beer sis?" Is it okay to admit I enjoy him calling me sis?

  I shake my head. "No, not at all, but I'll give it a go."

  As I sip on beer, the conversation continues. A conversation I haven't wanted to have, but it doesn't seem to matter what I want. "So no lover boy means you have no reason to stay in Ohio. Come back home, we miss you. We want to get to know you and our... nephew." He sort of stumbles on the word, but manages to give me a real smile.

  "Yeah, about that. It'd be nice to get close to you and Gunner, and Faith of course, and I know it'd be good for Justin. I just have an incredible job with even better pay, and a life I've built. I can't just up and move back here."

  "What about..." Faith looks to me, then Clay, then back to me. "Justin's father?"

  She takes a sip, acting nervous. Probably regretting asking something so personal. I admit, my heart hammers a little in my chest. I wanted to avoid this topic with anyone as long as possible.

  "Uh, what about him?" This time, I take a sip.

  "I know it's not my business, but what happened with you two? Is he in Justin's life still?"

  I look to Clay and he sits back in the chair, feet crossed, watching our conversation with zero input.

  And a foregone conclusion just hit me.

  I'm honestly thinking mom told no one. Maybe not even dad. I showed up and completely dumbfounded everyone. I've always wondered why the emails never consisted of asking about him. I sort of assumed everyone swept him under the rug. One of those things that if you don't see it, it doesn't exist. That wasn't the case at all though. I'm not sure who is more surprised, me or them.

  I give a hard laugh before finishing my beer, sort of getting used to the taste. "Please don't pass judgment, but his father doesn't know about him... yet." I take a long pause as they both swallow hard. "In the next month, he'll know" I add.

  "Oh, wow, um," Faith stutters as Clay seems to be still figuring things out in his head.

  "How old is he exactly?" Clay finally asks with narrowed eyes. Not eyes like he is mad, eyes like he is on the brink of something.

  I smile, a little shy as I answer. "He turned nine back in April. I was three months pregnant when mom sent me packing, never to return." I can't help the hardness in my voice.

  Clay's eyes enlarge as Faith nearly chokes on her drink. "Wait, what?"

  "You really didn't know, did you?" It comes out a whisper.

  "Uh, no." He looks furious. "What the hell is that? And who is the fucker that knocked you up? And I can't believe mom knew that shit!" He slams his body back into the couch, shaking his head mercifully as he takes another large sip, finishing his beer.

  So my latest assumption is correct, my family didn't know. I truly wonder if my dad even knew. Thinking back on his expressions and the fact he completely ignored the two of us, I'm going to say he had no idea whatsoever.

  Five years ago was when I got my first email from Clay, telling me he was getting married to Faith, and that he wanted me at the wedding. I hadn't gone. He had asked about myself, my job, and Nan. Soon after, I started emailing Gunner, and once in a while I even emailed my sisters. No pictures were ever sent, and they weren't very descriptive, just updates about our lives. I never mentioned Justin because no one ever asked. If only I had known.

  Ignoring all his questions, I ask one that is at the forefront of my mind. "So what did mom tell you all then?"

  He sighs and relaxes a bit more, running a hand through his hair. "That you went to go help Nan, that she was ill, and that while you were there, you guys connected. She said you didn't want to come back home, that you loved Ohio, and you were better there."

  Faith stares at me, looking a little ill. I know the feeling.

  "It's okay," I assure her. "I'm not all that surprised. She warned me not to tell people. She said she'd deal with it. And to go along with the whole Nan being sick ordeal. It wasn't true, by the way, she was never sick. That women will outlive us all."

  My eyes go back to Clay, who is slowly shaking his head. "If she weren't on her death bed..."

  "It wouldn't change anything," I interrupt. And it wouldn't. It was too long ago to care about now.

  "So, you going to tell me who the dad is?"

  "Can you not tell people until I have the opportunity to tell him myself?"

  He nods his head in answer.

  "Zander."

  A gasp leaves Faith's mouth. "Zander Fields?"

  I look to her, a little surprised she knows him. She is at least thirty, no way she knows someone six years younger. "Yeah."

  "Oh." She chews on her nails. "Can I get y'all another drink?"

  She doesn't wait for us to answer as she stands and walks into the kitchen again. I look towards Clay who watches her leave. He swallows before looking at me, looking a little unsure himself.

  "Zander is getting married next month… to Faith's best friend."

  "Oh."

  Sing like no one is listening, love like you’ve never been hurt,

  Dance like nobody is watching, and live likes it’s heaven on earth.

  -Mark Twain

  "I'm heading to the hospital in a bit, do you want a ride? I need to do some shopping after, too, just to let you know."

  I look over to Faith and smile. "Yeah, I just need to finish up this email for work, then I'll be ready to go."

  Once I type out the rest of my email, I peek my head into the room Justin is occupying to tell him to get ready. Within five minutes we're out the door.

  The hospital is only a handful of minutes away, and our car ride remained quiet until we pulled in.

  Justin spoke up in the backseat. "Do I call her grandma?"

  Holy break my heart.

  I turn to face him, giving him a tight smile. "Not if you don't wanna. Her name is Rita, so you can call her that, grandma, whatever you please."

  Faith smiles through the rearview mirror, giving him encouragement, then we all exit the vehicle. "I think I'll call her Rita. Nan is my grandma."

  I place my arm over his shoulders, giving his temple a quick peck. "I think that is a smart idea."

  The nurse guides us to my mom's room, where she is laying on the hospital bed, watching some TV. She looks over at us the second the door behind us closes. "Faith, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here," she gushes with thick voice. She sounds like she smoked her whole life, but I honestly don't think she ever tried a cigarette before.

  Faith hugs her as Justin and I hang back a bit, watching them communicate a moment. Faith finally turns to me and gestures. Mom's eyes widen and does this awkward half smile, half surprised thing with her mouth. Probably wasn't expecting me, or thought she'd ever seen me again. And I'm damn sure she never thought she'd see her one and only grandchild, especially since I said no way in hell.

  "Lexi, is that you?"

  "Yes, mom
."

  "Well, what are you waiting for? I'm dying, ya know, come over here and give me a hug." Of course, even on her death bed she still could still make me feel three inches tall and useless. I walk over, regardless, and give her the fastest hug humanly possible.

  When I pull back her eyes flicker to something beside me. Or someone, should I say. "And this must be your boy."

  "Yes, this is my son," I say with attitude. Dying or not, she just humiliated my son by saying that. Your boy. Try, your grandson! I'm ready to leave.

  My brave boy takes a step forward, putting his hand out. "I'm Justin," he states.

  She smiles softly, not returning his gesture. "Hi Justin, I'm Rita. I guess you could say I'm your grandmother."

  "I'll stick with Rita, ma'am." Ha! Take that mom!

  She nods. "Good, I'm not old enough to be a grandmother," says the lady who is passing away before our eyes. Okay, I thought I had a heart, I don't. I'm bitter and angry, and I want to get the heck out of here.

  Faith interrupts, probably feeling the tension in the room. "So, Rita, we have to hit up a few stores after this, is there anything I can bring in the next time I see you? A magazine or anything?"

  "Oh, you're such a doll. I wouldn't mind something to read, maybe some ice cream. They only have that cheap stuff here. Oh, and a nice silk night gown. Have you seen how ridiculous these gowns are? I'm not passing away in this thing." She pulls up on her gown, giving it a disapproving look.

  Faith laughs softly. "Oh, you're a crazy women, I tell ya. Okay, I'll gather a few things. We got to make the visit short though, there is a dinner at the house later."

  "Oh, how wonderful." She glances at Justin before we can leave and asks, "so how old are you now Justin? Twelve or thirteen?"

  "Bye." I turn and walk, grabbing Justin's shirt on the way. She doesn't even know how long ago she kicked me out. How long ago her one and only grandchild was born. Dying or not, that is not okay. I can't even pretend.

  When we get in the elevator, I look to Justin and give him a sad smile. "I'm sorry about that."

  He shrugs. "You warned me. I knew not to expect rainbows and butterflies."

  I laugh at him, wondering how I raised such a fine young man.

  We wait for Faith outside the hospital doors, and thankfully she doesn't take very long. She fiddles with her keys until we get to her car, then she smiles before getting in. The ride is silent to the store, but I don't mind. I'd rather my mind process things without chatter all around.

  She parks downtown, so I know there will be a lot of walking today. Thankfully I wore my jeans and sneakers, something I don't often do.

  We visit a few stores, where I allow Justin to pick out a handful of things. After the stores filled with knick knacks and clothing, we visit the party supply store, then the bakery. Faith said they all talked this morning and wanted to have a dinner at my dad’s. I am not too excited about it being there, but I'm more than thrilled that everyone is actually wanting to get to know Justin.

  Faith pauses after the bakery, acting a little nervous. "Faith, you okay?" I ask.

  She bites on her lip and nods the same time a beautiful young lady walks over. "Faith, what are you doing here?"

  "Oh, hi Emerson. Just doing a little shopping. This is Lexi, my sister-in-law, and this here is Justin, my nephew." She points to us as she introduces our names.

  The girl, Emerson, smiles at me. "Well hi there Lexi, I'm Emerson. Didn't realize you were in town. You're Clay's little sis, correct? And this here your son? Ain't he a cute one!"

  Justin embarrassingly mumbles out a kind, "thanks."

  "Hi," I smile. "Yes, I'm his sister and this is my son."

  She lifts her brows. "Either you have one insane secret to staying so young, or your boy here has got some great genes." That is something I'm so incredibly used to, and I always completely ignore. Yes, I understand it's rare for a twenty four year old to have a nine year old son.

  I don't criticize, even though she is being judgmental in the most subtle of ways. "Well he does have some great genes," I choose to say.

  She smiles and looks back to Faith. "Good running into you sweetie. You going tonight?"

  "We haven't made up our mind yet, it's a possibility. Either way, I'll see you tomorrow."

  "Right, of course," she says with a smile. Then the girl waves and walks off, leaving us be. I start my way towards the truck, the things in my hands getting heavy, as I'm sure they are for Faith and Justin as well.

  When we arrive to my dad's house, it seems as though everyone is already here. Clay just walks in the door without knocking, so I follow behind. I'm greeted with hugs by Gunner, who also gives Justin a nudge to the shoulder. "Sup squirt?"

  "Nothing," Justin mumbles. I can't wait for him to loosen up some around everyone. Well, at least my brothers. I'd enjoy them all getting along, acting like a real family.

  We walk into the kitchen and there is my other sister, Rease, as well as Torin, and another girl I have yet to meet. Since she is older, I can only assume she is my other sister-in-law, Gunner's wife. She is the only one I never saw a picture of. Faith I saw a picture of once, when her and Clay got married.

  "Hey Lex," Rease says with a smile.

  "Hi Rease. How have you been? How’s college?"

  "Oh, you know, homework and snobby girls."

  I laugh and shake my head. It feels like a life time ago that I was in school. I dropped out and got my GED. Some days I almost wish I could go back to the days of school, and I especially wish I could give college a try. I'd tell Rease how lucky she is, but she wouldn't believe me, so I don't bother.

  I look to the only person I don't know and extend my smile some.

  "Hi, Lexi, oh my gawd! I'm Magnolia."

  She embraces me in one heck of a hug. When she pulls back, I say hello then introduce her to Justin.

  Rease hops out of her seat, giving him a hug after Magnolia does. "Hey there, I'm your auntie. Good to finally meet you. I hear your into sports and stuff. I played soccer all through high school, I loved it."

  Whoa, that's a shocker. I had no idea.

  He smiles at my sister. "Really? I love soccer, it's my second favorite sport. My first being basketball."

  She invites him out back to kick around a ball, which he happily agrees to. Torin walks out of the room without a word to anyone, I don't even get a smile this time. She was always moms mini me. The only one not to join us so far is dad. My brothers, my sisters-in-law, and myself all start setting the table. We place all the paper plates, plastic cups, and the food we brought on the table.

  Clay walks over to take some soda out of the fridge. He glances over and gives a sad smirk to whoever is paying attention. "There is only enough pop for one of us, and no sweet tea. So unless we all want water, someone needs to go to the store."

  Either everyone doesn't care or they choose to ignore him. I pipe up, wanting some sweet iced tea, it's been too long. "I'll go to the store, if I can borrow someone's car."

  "Here, take my car down to the store. You remember where Jerry's is, right?" Clay hands me his keys.

  "Yeah, of course I do. You sure?"

  "Can you drive?" I nod, grabbing the keys out of his hand. "Okay then, just don't crash, we'll finish setting things up."

  Thankfully his car isn't a standard, I've yet to learn how to drive one of those. I crank the engine, backing out of the drive, then make it the small haul to the local grocery store a few blocks down.

  Opting out of a cart, I run in and grab a few things for us to drink before getting into line. Of course, only one is open and the line is long, making everything in my arms instantly feel heavier.

  "Don'cha hate when this happens? They only open up one line when there are twenty available."

  I turn around to the familiar voice. Emerson smiles at me sincerely. "Yeah, it's frustrating for certain. Glad to see it isn't only in Ohio this happens."

  "Definitely not. Usually there is at least two cashiers though." Sh
e shrugs.

  I smile and turn back around, taking a step as one less customer is in line.

  Tingles invade my entire body, causing me to shiver. Then I hear a voice I didn't think I'd ever hear again. "Hey babe, I got us some pork chops for tonight, that sound alright?"

  "Oh, of course, I can stuff them and put them in the oven. I think we'll just have enough time to eat them before we head on out tonight too."

  I can hear a kiss and my stomach curdles. That would explain Faith's nervous behavior earlier.

  Another step forward. I quickly count. Two people ahead of me. I may make it out of here without dying. Maybe.

  Nope.

  "Oh Zander, did you know Clay's little sister was in town? Lexi, Lexi, this is my fiancé, Zander."

  With a deep breathe, I turn around and face the only boy I've ever loved. And sweet baby Jesus, he is no longer a boy. He is a man. A sexy, sultry, hunk of a man.

  I force myself to smile as I feel my face flush.

  He pauses, and the smile that was plastered on his face completely fades. "Lexi? Lexi Bennett?"

  "Hi Zander."

  "Oh, you two... you two know each other?"

  "Yeah, we uh, we went to school together," he states, not taking his eyes off me.

  "How have you been?" I dare myself to ask.

  "Good. Real good, actually. Getting married next month. Keeping busy and all that. How are you? What brings you to town?" His words are unsure and a little run on, making it known he is just as nervous as me.

  And poor Emerson looks like she is watching a train wreck. I can imagine how their evening will go. Bickering and questions.

  "I heard. Congratulations on the wedding, both of you." I make sure to smile at his fiancé as well. "I'm real good, working a lot and such. I'm not sure if you heard, my mom is ill, about a month to live until the Cancer takes her away. So yeah, staying until the funeral."

  "Oh, right, sorry about that." I doubt he is. He knew how much I hated my mom. What he doesn't know is how much more I do. And I'm sure he'd hate her just the same. He'd hate me just as much though. Oh no, he is going to hate me. I think I'm going to be sick.