Forgive Me Read online

  As I bring my finger to the ‘y’ button, my phone starts to vibrate and Texas area code number pops up. I have most everyone’s numbers in my phone, all but one. Zander. With a deep breath, I slide the green button to the right and answer the call.

  “Hello?” I answer.

  “Hey, its me.” With a pause, he continues. “Zander.” Oh trust me, I know who it is.

  Pulling off the whole cool and collective attitude, I reply to him. “Yeah, hey. What’s up?”

  He chuckles slightly in my ear and it warms my heart. “So, I was wondering if we could do that, uh, dinner tonight?”

  It’s probably a good thing he can’t see the smile that spreads across my face at his simple question. He’d certainly think something was wrong with me. “Yeah, I know Justin is really looking forward to it, so tonight should be good. Could you, um, possibly pick us up?” I can’t even attempt to control the butterflies that flutter through my insides at that thought. Like we’re a real family. Although, that thought is ridiculous and quickly dismissed.

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll see y’all around five then?”

  Again, smiling, I tell him I’ll see him then. The phone call ends pretty much immediately and up pops the message from Tanner, the one I was going to reply to before being interupted by Zander. I decide to answer him, this time with a little more confidence. Sorry, can’t tonight. Maybe tomorrow or something.

  I’ve never seen Justin more excited than when I told him we were finally having dinner with his father. He’s never had a father figure in his life, and I’m surprised the child is as smart, healthy, and honest as he is. I read in a magazine, more than once actually, that children that grow up with no male role model typically end up gay, abusive, or into drugs. He is none, and although if he were gay I wouldn’t be upset, the other two would tear me down completely.

  Thankfully Justin is still young, and he has a great head on his shoulders, so I don’t see those things happening to him. Plus, he is into sports which typically helps children stay out of trouble and drugs. It’s the reason I pushed him to try, and having his father’s abilities, he took to them well.

  If we moved to Texas, he could also ranch, and I know that’ll help keep him out of trouble, too. Although, back in Ohio we live in a pretty small town and we have a lot of people surrounding us, people that’ll help keep him on track. Once again, its not like I expect him to, but he is still young and impressionable.

  Ignoring those matters, I finish getting ready. I keep telling myself that I’m not wearing skinny jeans and a tight yellow tank top for any special reason. I also keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with adding extra makeup to my eyes, or a necklace that dips into my cleavage. I have zero reasons to impress Zander, and I also have no reason to have these darn butterflies deep in my belly.

  Once I’m done getting ready, I knock on Justin’s door. Once he tells me to enter, I walk in and see that he is having just as many issues with looking nice as I did. I walk all the way in and pull out a nice button up green shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. “Here, he isn’t going to even pay attention to what you’re wearing, he just wants to get to know you. The real you. And I know for certain he’ll be impressed. You’re the best son anyone could ever ask for you.” I grab his cheeks and press my lips to his forehead.

  “Thanks ma,” he tell me with a bashful smile. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

  I sit down on the bed and look around the room while he quickly changes. “I’m sorry Justin. This is all my fault. You shouldn’t be nervous about meeting your dad. I’m so sorry it took so long.” Tears start to well in my eyes. This is a mistake I’ll never be able to take back, but at least they’re getting to know one another now. At least their taking that chance.

  “No, it’s really not,” I look up to him as he rests his hand on my shoulder, “but thank you. I’m so happy for you.”

  He grins down at me. “I’m happy too. So you think he’ll like me?”

  “Oh, Justin, he is going to love you.”

  I stand up and help him straighten the collar of his shirt, then the two of us head out together, saying bye to Clay and Faith on the way out of the house. Zander’s truck idles in the driveway as we exit the house, and I’m honestly not sure who is the most nervous. My biggest hope is that they get along perfectly, that Zander wants to be involved in his son’s life, and that they can connect a way a father and son should.

  Opening the back door to the truck, Justin climbs in, then I proceed to take the front seat. Zander is gripping the steering wheel pretty hard when I look in his direction and he is looking straight ahead. I buckle up and look back to make sure Justin is buckled as well, then I look back over to Zander. This is much more awkward than it should be, that is for sure. “So… thanks for picking us up.”

  His body tenses for a second before he looks over at me, fear of some sorts evident in his eyes. He clears his throat. “Yeah. You guys like Italian?”

  I smile at him, trying to ease his tension. “We both love it.”

  He nods his head before sliding the truck into reverse and backing out of the drive. I notice he only takes a quick glance at Justin while concentrating extra hard on his driving.

  The ten minute ride to the restaurant is an uncomfortable one to say the least. Once Justin and I hop out of our side of the truck, Zander is waiting for us on his side while rocking on his heels, his hands in his jeans pockets. This is the first time I got a good glimpse at him, and I’m pretty sure he tried just as hard to look decent for Justin. Or possibly even us. His hair looks freshly cut, he is wearing a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a fresh white tee-shirt, possibly newly purchased. I can smell his aroma from here, like musky oak and fresh springs, in other words, like a man should smell.

  He looks down towards the ground for a quick moment and back at us. I want to know so badly what he is thinking, what he is feeling. Of course I have an idea, but I’d like to know it all.

  Zander walks ahead of us into the restaurant, and when we’re seated at a four top table, he takes a chair and looks at the one next to it like its made of lava. Knowing he would feel more comfortable with Justin and I on the other side, I have Justin take the seat closest to the wall and I take the other. The hostess sets down a basket of breadsticks and gives us our menus before walking away.

  The first thing Zander does is picks up the menu, the first thing Justin does is picks up a breadstick, the first thing I do is beg myself to not throw up. I rub my hand over my stomach and count down from ten, trying to concentrate on my breathing. I need to feel relaxed. I need this to all be okay.

  No one talks until the waitress comes over, and after we all order, we end up kind of fiddling with something. Finally I decide this has gone on long enough, so I straighten my shoudlers, put on my brave face, and take a deep breathe.

  “So Justin is really wonderful at sports, you should see him. He was team captain this past year and its looking as though he will be again this upcoming year.”

  Zander looks at me, showing no emotion at all, then his eyes finally find Justin for the first time tonight and he just seems to take him in. “Good,” he replies after a few moments.

  I turn towards Justin, wanting to give him a little nudge. “You should tell him about your sportsmanship award you got at the last sports banquet.”

  I know he loves talking sports, more so, he loves talking about his achievements in sports. He eyes finally have spirit in them as he looks to me first, then to Zander. “Coach Sumner gives out these specials awards every year. Only person gets it. It goes to whoever has the greatest accomplishments from fall to spring. The guy who has been MVP in all the sports of the season. This year it went to me. I have this trophy, and it comes up to here on me.” He brings his hand up to where his armpit is and grins wide. He only got this award four weeks ago and I saw him polish it twice before we left for Texas. He has never been more proud of himself, as I’ve never been more proud of him.

  “Da
mn, that is awesome,” Zander announces. I look at him like that is all you can say? He gets the hint and with a more stern voice says, “I’m proud of you.”

  I’m not sure he could have said a better thing at that moment. I look to Justin and he is all smiles, just staring at Zander. I look back and forth a couple times and really see the resemblance, more so than ever. If they were to stand next to one another, there would be no denying the fact. It makes me wonder if Emerson noticed but didn’t say anything. I think its something I’d notice awfully quick.

  The food arrives and we all start in while silence takes over once more. I’m actually surprised when Justin peeps up and asks, “What is your favorite color?”

  Zander looks over at him and grins. “Red.”

  “Red?” Justin tilts his head. “I thought it’d be black.”

  “Whys that?” Zander asks.

  “Your truck and your hat. You just seem like it’d be black.”

  Zander chuckles and I smile quite a bit. I don’t say anything, I simply observe. I like watching them interact.

  I’m more surprised when Zander says, “The first time I took your mom out on a date, she was wearing a red shirt. I had never seen her look more beautiful. Ever since then, the color has just stuck with me.”

  My face blushes, and at the same time, my core heats up. I look to Zander who is just smiling softly, but not at me. He is looking down at his plate, not taking any bites of food. Justin giggles from my side but doesn’t say anything as well. It seems to ease their tension but completely added to my own.

  “I like the color orange,” Justin says after a minute. He really wants to keep this conversation going and I’m incredibly delighted that he has the ability to just talk, even if its small talk.

  Zander cocks his head to the side and lifts his lips into a smile. “Why orange? Of all colors.”

  “I love basketball,” he says enthusiastically. “And the ball is orange. I just seem to always find things that are orange.” He kind of shrugs off it, seeming embarrassed all of a sudden.

  “My favorite sport,” Zander tells him. “We should play some one-on-one this weekend.”

  Justin’s eyes light up with more eagerness I’m pretty sure I’ve ever seen. “Can we really?” He looks at me, like he needs my permission. But for the first time in his life, I’m not the only one to make those decisions for him. He now has a… father… to make those decisions as well. Its going to take some time to get used to that.

  I just nod my head. “If that is what you guys want to do, who am I to stop you?”

  He smiles wider and digs back into his food. I look towards Zander and mouth out, “thank you.” He nods his head and continues smiling at me as I dig back into my food as well.

  The remainder of the dinner is better than expected, that much is for certain. They find out a lot about one another, I find out a lot too, and I try to stay out of the conversation as much as possible, although now and again I get caught up in it too. By the time the bill is paid, we are all laughing and enjoying ourselves.

  The second we walk out of the restaurant though, my heart pains and I realize, this was more of a pretense. This was a moment of unusual circumstances, and its over with. I’m sure we’ll have more moments together, the three of us, but its very possible none like this. I don’t want it to end. Once Justin climbs into the backseat of the truck and I climb into the front, I look over to Zander and debate with myself.

  Before I put anymore thought into it, I ask, “do we have to head back already?”

  His hand rests on the keys in the ignition and he looks over at me, then to Justin in the back. “You got work in the morning?” I’m sure Justin in nodding his head, as I know he does work tomorrow, in fact he has to be up and out of the house by five. Zander looks back at me and sighs. “I would like to, I really would, but he needs to get used to his work schedule first.”

  He is right, I know that. I was being selfish- go figure.

  “Right, yeah, I wasn’t thinking.”

  “So lets reserve Saturday for the three of us.” He smiles so quickly before turning his head to face forward. The truck rumbles to life and I can’t contain my smile. I turn to look out the passenger window, but the smile doesn’t fade even once before pulling in front of Clay’s house.

  When I unbuckle, I turn to look back at Justin just to see he is passed right. Poor guy, he has been working hard. I need to make sure Saturday is as amazing for him as possible. He deserves a great day. I look back to Zander and smile. He isn’t staring at Justin, he is staring at me, and the look he is giving me is causing tingles all over.

  “Thank you for tonight,” I tell him.

  “You were right, he is a good kid. I really want to get to know him more.”

  “Any time you want, you let me know.”

  He nods his head and glances in the back seat. “You going to wake him or should… or should I… carry him?”

  It makes me grin again at how adorable he is. Sexy and adorable. And those lips. Ah, why am I staring at his lips again?! I adjust my eyesight to look into his chocolate brown ones. “I can wake him,” I tell him, almost forgetting what he had just asked me.

  “I’ll see you Saturday then?”

  I nod my head frantically. “I’ll see you then, Zander. Have a great night.”

  His hand reaches over and holds mine for just a second. “Lexi,” he whispers.

  My breath catches and I’m at a loss for words. The way he breathes my name, the way his eyes go into a half mast, the way I tingle all over. Its intense and I almost forget to breathe. I don’t even reply, but apparently I don’t need to because he continues.

  “I’m scared of getting too close.”

  “W-why?” I stutter. Although, I think I know why.

  “Because you’re both going to leave me.” He looks back at Justin and continues. “I already love him. Shit, I didn’t think it’d be instant like that.”

  This time the tears that well in my eyes are completely understanding, and I’m not even angry they are there. I’m sad at how hard this will all be when Justin and I head back to Ohio, but that isn’t where the tears come from. They come from Zander’s acceptance of his child. Of our child. Of this.

  Without much thought, I climb into my knees and scoot towards Zander. He looks at me just seconds before I wrap my arms around his shoulder. His hands wrap around my waist and we just hold each other. After a few seconds I whisper, “one day, I hope you can forgive me.”

  And my heart shatters when he whispers, “I hope so, too.”

  It doesn’t stop me from holding him a little tighter and getting the best of him I can. After a few more moments, he unwraps himself from around me and I pull back as well, not wanting to seem too neurotic. “I should go.”

  His hand rests on my cheek and he smiles at me. I could be lost in his face forever. Its perfection. My dreams of him has not done justice. He is a gorgeous man that I want so badly to wake up next to every morning, fall asleep next to every night, and make love to each and every day.

  “Goodnight, Lexi,” he says softly. His breath warms around my lips and my eyes close involuntarily. “Lexi,” he whispers again. I open my eyes and he brings his mouth so close to mine that I can literally hear my heart beating. “I want to, but I can’t. I’ve already crossed that line too much.”

  I pull back and nod my head. “Yeah,” I say quickly. I grab at my purse and open the truck door. After I get it closed, I open the back door to get Justin.

  “Wake up, Justin, you gotta come inside sweetie.”

  After a few soft nudges, he opens his eyes and looks around. He slowly slides out from his chair and as he is about to climb out of the truck, he looks over to Zander and says, “bye dad.”

  “Smile when he makes you happy,

  Yell when he makes you mad,

  And miss him when he’s not there.”

  -Bob Marley

  He lifts me up by my hips and slams my body against the wall. My ey
es look into his, reading his mind, assessing his soul. Without hesitation, I bring my lips to his and they move together in perfect harmony.

  We’re lined seamlessly, and with how wet my throbbing core is, it doesn’t take much effort for him to slide into me. I moan out in pleasure, but his mouth drinks in my whimpers of bliss. I’ve never felt so alive as his slides in and out of me. I love that we’re bare together, connecting together, just like we did all those years ago.

  His lips start to suck on my jaw line and continue until they’re at my ear. He whispers softly, “I love you,” before nipping at my lobe. I scream out in pleasuring heat, wanting to return my gratitude and adoration, but I’m unable to. I’m too absorbed in this ecstasy to say anything.

  Just as I feel those tingles start at the bottom of my stomach and spread out, I’m suddenly jolting awake, sweating and about to scream. I don’t realize my hand is inside my panties, but its not really my first thought. My first thought is wanting to get off, and picturing Zander while I do it. I close my eyes and continue assaulting my sex until I’m coming. I have to turn my head to the side and bite down on the pillow case until I’m washed over in complete euphoric contentment.

  My body falls limp and I sigh. I haven’t felt this amount of built up tension since… well damn, since ever. I’ve been turned on, I’m masturbated, I even have a few toys. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve thought of Zander way more than once. But since seeing him the other day, and especially since the kiss with him, my sexual tension is out of control.