Forgive Me Read online

Maybe it even has something to do with actually having sex recently. More so than that, the sex wasn’t even with Zander. And I wish so horribly so it was. But he is about to be married, and I’m not a slut. Or I wasn’t. Or I don’t want to be.

  I’m ready to stop living in my head now. Ugh.

  I roll over onto my stomach and sigh into the pillow. “Fuck,” I whisper. I don’t swear very often, but for some weird reason it feels good coming out of my mouth. So I mumble it a few more times. “Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucktard, piece of fucking fuck.” I smile against the fabric of the pillow and start laughing. Holy crap, its as if I’m drunk right now. Oh, right, I am… drunk on Zander Fields.

  “Mom?”

  I lift a finger, telling Justin to hold on just a moment. He waits patiently while I finish up a very important email to my boss. Once I click send, I look over at Justin, who looks anxious about something. “Yes?”

  He kicks at the floor and waits a moment before he says anything. “Do you think… um… Zander will let me sleep over his house tonight when we’re done doing stuff?”

  I let out a sign and lean back into the chair. “You can call him your father if you want, you know. But, of course you don’t have to,” I throw in there really quick. I want him to call his father whatever he wants. Plus, by saying this I can ignore the question he just asked me a few moments longer.

  Its not that I don’t want him to stay at his dads, its just… I don’t know how well that’ll work with Emerson. And even though I shouldn’t care about what Emerson thinks, I do, because next weekend she’ll technically be Justin’s step mother.

  And that though- just sickened me.

  Justin chews on the side of his finger nail for a quick minute before he nods. “I wish I knew what to do mom.” His voice reminds me of when he was five or six. A more innocent time. A time when I was more of his teddy bear than his mom.

  I open my arms up and tell him to come sit in my lap. He only hesitates a moment before curling onto my lap, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. He is older, heavier, and taller, but he is still my baby boy, and I miss these kinds of moments. I just wish it were under a better circumstance.

  “Justin, sweetie,” I talk softly. “It’ll all work out in good time. You’ll get all your questions answered, you’ll discover answers to questions you don’t even know about. You’ll feel comfortable enough around your dad one day.” With a pause I add on, “I know I’ve apologized a hundred times, but know I’m going to be sorry for the rest of my life.”

  “Do you think he loves me?” he asks.

  I smile at that, knowing that answer. “He already does. He told me so.”

  Justin wiggles in my lap until he is looking me in the face. His eyes have enlarged and he has a gleam in them I haven’t seen since baseball ended this spring. “He did? When? What did he say?”

  “Well,” I don’t even have to think about what he said because I’ll remember that moment for the rest of my life. “You were sleeping in the back of his truck, and he turned to look at you. He said he already loved you, and he didn’t realize it’d be instant love like that. He also told me you were a great kid and he was proud of you.”

  “You’re not lying?”

  I cock my head to the side. “Have I ever lied to you Justin?”

  “I don’t think so,” he says.

  “I couldn’t. You’re a piece of me. I couldn’t imagine ever betraying your trust the way I have with others. I love you way too much for that.”

  He hugs me tightly. “You’re the best mom in the world.”

  I close my eyes and rest my chin on his shoulder. Oh how I wish that statement were true. True or not, hearing him tell me that means so incredibly much to me.

  “Ready to test your bating skills?” Zander teases Justin.

  Justin slides on the helmet and grins at him. “You’re on!”

  They make their way through the chain linked fence and Zander locks them into the batting cage. I sit outside the fence on a bench, licking at the cotton candy ice cream cone I got, watching the guys being… father and son.

  Zander starts to show Justin a proper way to stand, but Justin shrugs him off and shows him how his stance is perfect. Zander obviously agrees as his nods his head with a smile. Justin only misses one ball out of the ten shot out. Once his turn is up, they switch places. Zander misses three. He looks over to Justin and shrugs. “It’s been a few years. I’m a little rusty.”

  I can tell Justin likes the playful attitude. I can see the connection between them build.

  First the three of us did two rounds in the go-carts, then a round of miniature golf, ending our time with some delicious ice cream. I took forever with mine, so they decided to take a few swings at the batting cages. The park is going to close in a few moments, so they only get two rounds in before they’re coming back out of the cages.

  “Mom, did you see that last hit of mine? That would have gotten me a home run for sure!” he says enthusiastically.

  “I have no doubt,” I tell him honestly. He was the only one on his team to hit a home run this past season. I can’t wait to see him as he grows getting only better each year. In all his sports.

  The three of us make it to the pickup, and once we’re in Zander looks at his cell phone. “Shit, I wanted to bring you guys to the drive-in, but Emerson says she has a migraine and really needs me.” He continues staring at his phone, not replying. He doesn’t look impressed in the least.

  As much as I want to continue our time, and although I know deep down she is doing it out of pure jealously, I still give Zander the encouragement to go home. I need to try to do the right thing with him from here on out. Even though I just want to tell him, leave her! I still love you! Lets be a family! But I’d look crazy, and its not like he’d be okay with that anyways.

  “We can do something later then.”

  He looks over at me and bunches his brow together. “Well, no, not really. You’re not staying here long, and I’m getting married next Saturday. Then we have our honey moon.” His voice is whispered, like its some sort of seceret. He peeks into the backseat at Justin for only a quick moment before looking me square in the eye. “I want more time with him.”

  I nod my head, not arguing. “Okay, then why-“

  “Then why don’t I stay at your house tonight?” Justin blurts out in the back.

  Zander’s eyes open up wider and his head automatically starts nodding. “That would work, right?”

  “Will um, Emerson be okay with that?”

  Is it bad I kind of hope she says no? Not because I want Justin’s feelings to be hurt, but because my fantasy could play out- Zander gets angry and leaves her. He comes to Clay’s house to tell me. We make out like horny teenagers. He carries me off into the sunset, Justin tagging along. The three of us live together as a family for the rest of our lives. Heck, we could even have more children!

  Yeah… right. I need to wake myself from these crazy dreams.

  I don’t even realize Zander is on the phone. I didn’t even answer his question. She doesn’t seem to be arguing with Zander at all. A ping of jealously shoots through me. I know I don’t have a right to be jealous, but I really can’t help it.

  Once he gets off the phone he looks over at me solemnly. “I don’t think tonight will work because she is throwing up from her migraine. But I told her to take a nap or something because I’m not going to be back until late.”

  I try not to smile so large. I promise I try. But I can’t help it. It spreads across my face so wide that I’m sure I look like I have six rows of teeth. Zander sort of chuckles at me and looks back at Justin. “How about Tuesday or Wednesday night kiddo? I can drop you off at work in the morning. I have Thursday off, so maybe we can talk to Gunner about having you take that day off as well, and we’ll find something to do.”

  “Okay,” Justin says. His voice sounds very nonchalant and it makes me wonder what is going on inside his little head. Did that upset him or is he truly okay? Why isn�
��t he more thrilled? I obviously don’t question it right now, since Zander is right here with us, but I’ll have to note it to ask him later.

  Zander cranks the truck and we head down the road.

  “So where to?” I ask after a few moments of silence.

  “Do you want to head back to your brothers?” he looks over at me.

  I furrow my brow and wonder what made him ask me. “I’d rather go with you guys, but if you want some one on one time, I understand.” I can’t help my solemn voice.

  He smiles and looks ahead. “To the drive in we go.”

  When one door of happiness closes,

  Another opens.

  But often we look so long at the closed door

  That we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

  -Helen Keller

  “Do you normally keep pillows and blankets in your pickup?” I ask Zander as he pulls some of out of the tool chest attached to the back.

  He looks over at me and laughs, tossing me a thick blanket. “Lay that down, will ya?”

  I do as he says and line the bed of the truck with the thick blanket. He throws down some pillows before tossing a few more blankets down. “May as well lay those out too. It doesn’t get cold, but sometimes its nice to get a little bundled.”

  With a little shake of my head, I do as he asks and lay the blankets out.

  “Can we get some food?” Justin asks, standing next to the truck, waiting for the bed of the truck to be made up.

  Zander hops over the edge and walks around the back to lay the tailgate down. “There perfect.” He then turns towards Justin. “Let’s go get some grub.” Then I’m left here to finish this alone. Thanks for inviting me along for food!

  I adjust the pillows and lay all the blankets down before I sit to the right. Tonight is a double feature and I have no idea if I’m going to be able to stay awake during it all, but I’ll certainly try.

  When the guys arrive, they have two food trays and a drink tray. “Hungry much?” I ask.

  Zander laughs, “Better than making a second trip to the concession stand.”

  After helping Justin up, he climbs into the bed of the truck as well. Justin sits all the way to the left and I stare at him, wondering why he wouldn’t want to sit in the middle of his parents. Unless, of course, that is too awkward for him. He doesn’t look in my direction, so I face towards Zander who is staring at the middle spot like its awaiting his death. He looks way too nervous about just sitting down, but after a bit of hesitation, he does.

  He passes out the drinks and I take a sip. I smile when the taste of lemonade invades my mouth. My go-to drink. He remembered. He then places the giant tub of popcorn on his lap, places the nachos and cheese on Justin’s and tosses a box of skittles onto my lap. I look over at him and grin. “You remember lemonade and skittles.”

  He winks but doesn’t say anything.

  We all relax into the pillows and watch through the previews before the movie actually starts.

  I jump when Zander elbows me. This movie grabbed my attention and I haven’t wanted to let it go. I look over at his with a bit of a glare, which has him grinning wide. “He’s asleep,” he says, leaning back. I peek over and see Justin passed right out. Poor kid. He has been exhausted from this week of work.

  “Oh, did you want to go?” I ask tentatively.

  “Well, I’m not one for chick flicks, but its obvious you’re enjoying it. Plus, I think theres only about a half hour left.”

  I can’t help but smile a little. “Thanks.” I turn my attention back towards the movie.

  But soon my attention is unfocused again as a blaze burns deep inside my chest. I look down at Zander’s hand on my thigh. I’m not sure if he even notices it there, but really, how could he not? I just want to link my fingers between his, and rest my head on his arm, but I’m not going to. I’m not going to make a big deal out of something that is probably nothing.

  The next few minutes are kind of a fuzz as my mind kicks into overdrive and my heart decides to play games inside my chest. Zander’s hand slides up a little higher and I actually have to tell myself how to breathe again. In through my nose, out through my mouth, in through my nose, out through my mouth.

  His hand stops again, just as the tip of his finger lands at the ‘v’ between my legs. He keeps in there, heating everything inside of me, starting at my core. The zings of jubilation and the acceleration of my heart have me sweating. Without much though, I just whimper out his name. “Za-Zander.”

  I can feel his body tense and I close my eyes. His breath warms my ear when he speaks, making it known his mouth is close. “What?” How can one single word turn me into dust, especially the word what. That is right, because its coming out of Zander’s mouth.

  I stutter, sounding like an idiot. “You um- your um- your hand.”

  “Does it bother you?” his mouth gets closer to my ear and I almost moan in pleasure. I’m being a little neurotic, but shit, I can’t even help it. I’ve craved just hearing his voice all this time.

  I shake my head no, closing my eyes.

  His lips come to my ear, slowly kissing it. I whimper out a small moan as my body naturally arches, wanting his hand to travel completely between my legs. He pauses but the second my body feels limp again, he starts kissing me again.

  I’m lost in a state of euphoric bliss. Everything about this moment, as simple as it is, is all I’ve ever dreamed of. Something I never thought to be possible again. I turn my head to face Zander and without any hesitation from either of us, our lips glide together.

  His hand goes up and gets tangled in the back of my hair. Our kiss deepens and I can’t help myself from grabbing at his hand and placing it between my legs. He rubs his fingers back and forth, wetting me under my cotton panties. I end up adjusting myself to straddle his legs, but when I do, I open my eyes to see Justin sleeping next to us.

  Every little feeling of pleasure comes crashing down around me and I’m face planted into actuality. One, Zander is not mine. Two, Zander is about to get married. Three, we’re in a very public place, and although its dark out, anyone could see us. Four, our son is next to us and could wake at any moment. This is not okay.

  I completely pull away from Zander and cover my face with my hands, groaning into the palms. “Shit, I’m sorry,” Zander says from next to me.

  I tilt my head and peek over at him. “Please don’t be sorry. I don’t know if I can handle you being sorry over that.”

  He looks over at me and I want to re kiss those puffy lips so bad, but I don’t allow myself that guilty pleasure. “I’m not sorry I kissed you, I’m sorry I was about to bring it to the next level.”

  “What about Emerson?” I blurt out. I recover my face with my hands and wait for this conversation to continue, but it doesn’t. After a few moments of silence, I look back over at Zander. He has his head tilted back and he is pinching the bridge of his nose. “Zander?” I squeak out.

  He looks at me and smiles softly. “I love her, I do. And from the moment I picked out the engagement ring until the day I saw you in the store, I’ve been anxious for her to have my last name. But… but you’re you. You’re the one that got away. And you’re here. I don’t know what to do, Lexi. I really don’t.”

  As much as this pains me to say, it’s the truth, so I speak it anyways. “I’m not your forever Zander, even as much as I wish I were. You’re going to marry Emerson next week, and you’ll live happily ever after with her. Justin will come visit you whenever you want, any and all school vacations if that is as you please. And you’ll be happy, Zander. And I’ll miss you every day.”

  His face turns into something fierce. “What do you mean he’ll come visit?”

  “You know we live in Ohio, Zander,” I whisper.

  “So you’re just going to up and take my son away from me again?”

  Tears immediately well in my eyes and I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped. “Well, no. I just- we don’t live here.” So many emoti
ons are invading my insides, I’m honestly not sure how to speak, or even think at that matter. I’m at a total loss of words.

  “I won’t let you take him away again, Lexi.”

  “I’m not leaving without him!” I whisper-shout at him, not wanting to make a scene.

  He scoffs at me and I can see his jaw working back and forth. “This was a mistake. All of it. You especially.” He slides forward until he is at the end of the truck, then he jumps down, walking away from the truck. As I watch him go I feel that magnet inside of me lose its connection to Zander. Maybe even forever.

  And it’s all my fault. It’ll always be my fault.

  Zander didn’t come back to the truck for over an hour. Justin continued sleeping, and thankfully it was pretty comfortable with all the pillows and blankets. I kept him covered and once the movie was done, I climb out from the truck so I could walk around a little.

  While stretching my legs, all I did was think. Think hard. About it all. About how I made some huge mistakes that are hurting people just as much now as they did all those years ago. About how I could make them right by staying here, but how it seems too much to leave the life I have back at my real home in Ohio. How Nan has become my mother, and I couldn’t leave her like that. But also how Justin and Zander have connected so much, I know it’d kill them both being separated.

  I wanted Zander when I had him. I wanted Zaner when I left. I’ve wanted Zander for a decade. And even though I can’t have him to love and cherish forever, I can have him in my life. Justin can have him in his life.

  Then I think about the fact that Zander and Emerson are about to get married. You know they’ll want children, Emerson even said so. Then Zander’s attention will be on the child he actually knows, the child he can have all those firsts with, the child he can hold in his arms at three a.m. with a bottle, cooing and rocking the child to sleep. Justin will be put on the back burner, and he doesn’t need that.

  But he deserves a chance.

  And I know Justin loves being back home in Ohio. He has a great school, great friends, is doing so well on his sports teams. Its not going to be like that here. What was I thinking coming back for this long? I should have kept away. I should have flown down for a weekend to see my mom myself, flew back, and let that be that. But I wanted to do the right thing for once- and that right thing ruined everything even more than it was already ruined.